"Beavis and Butt-Head Do America" Transcript

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Please note:

This is not the original script, it is a transcript. (In other words, I just watched the movie and wrote down what they said.)
I have excluded Beavis and Butt-Head's iconic laughter from the transcript. Although their laughter is a wonderful and integral part of their characters, I think all the "huh-huh-huh" and "heh-heh-hmm-heh" would be rather cumbersome in print!

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA

(A terrified mob is running frantically through the streets of a large city. Men in an armored truck open fire on a pursuing enemy, but they flee their truck just as it is crushed under his feet. The camera pans up to reveal that this monster is an enormous BUTT-HEAD. A helicopter fires its guns at him, but he irritably smacks it away.)

BUTT-HEAD

This is cool.

(A machine gun opens fire on him)

Aah! Ow! Cut it out, butt-hole!

(He knocks the machine gun aside with his fist. He then notices a woman in an office in one of the skyscrapers. She is screaming, terrified.)

Whoa!

(He smashes through the window with his hand and plucks the woman out of the building.)

Uhh -- hey baby. I'm like, pretty tall.

(Another helicopter fires at him, and he smacks it aside.]

Dammit, cut it out! I'm trying to score!

(An armored tank begins firing at him, but an enormous BEAVIS enters the scene, kicking tanks aside and breathing fire.)

BEAVIS

Yeah... bunghole.

(He notices the woman clasped in BUTT-HEAD'S fist)

Whoa.

(Approaches BUTT-HEAD and the woman.)

Hey. How's it goin'?

(BEAVIS reaches out to take the woman. BUTT-HEAD whisks the woman out of BEAVIS'S reach.)

Hey, hey --

BUTT-HEAD

No way, Beavis! I saw her first!

(BUTT-HEAD places the woman back into her building so that he can fight BEAVIS with both hands. The woman, of course, runs away. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD engage in an altercation.)

BEAVIS

Ow! Dammit! I'm gonna kick your ass!

BUTT-HEAD

Dammit, Beavis, I saw her first! Get out of here!

(As BEAVIS angrily shakes BUTT-HEAD, the scene transitions to reveal BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD on the sofa in their living room. BUTT-HEAD is asleep, and has been dreaming the previous sequence. BEAVIS is frantically shaking BUTT-HEAD awake.)

BEAVIS

Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Hey Butt-Head!

(Stops shaking BUTT-HEAD, turns towards the camera and whimpers)

Ohh, no...

(resumes shaking BUTT-HEAD)

Butt-Head! Butt-Head, wake up! Butt-Head!

BUTT-HEAD

(Groggy, rubbing his eyes)

Dammit, Beavis! I was about to score!

BEAVIS

Yeah but check it out - it's gone.

(camera pans out and we see an empty space where their television set used to be)

BUTT-HEAD

Uhhhhh... what?

BEAVIS

The TV!

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh... oh yeah. Well, where is it?

BEAVIS

(Picks up the remote control from the arm of the sofa)

I don't know! I just woke up, and it was gone!

(Points the remote at the empty space and presses buttons in vain)

And look - the window's broken too.

(Camera pans over to the window. The glass is broken out and a white van is parked on the street. The van has its rear doors open and there is furniture inside. Cut to the van, where two TV THIEVES are unceremoniously shoving a TV into the back)

TV THIEF #1

Get a hundred bucks for this baby.

(They chuckle and carelessly swing the van doors partially closed)

(Cut to BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD'S living room)

BEAVIS

(Still trying to use the remote)

Nooo....

BUTT-HEAD

Hmm... uhhh...

(The van is heard starting up its engine and driving off. BUTT-HEAD looks at broken window)

BEAVIS

Ohhhh, no...

(BUTT-HEAD looks at crowbar, broken glass, and footprints on the floor near the window, then looks at empty space where TV used to be)

BEAVIS

Ohh...

BUTT-HEAD

Uhhhh...

(Looks at footprints on the floor leading through their open front door, then looks at the empty space, then at the broken window, then at the broken glass)

BEAVIS

Noo...

BUTT-HEAD

Uhhhh...

(Looks at the empty space, then at the footprints, then at the door)

Uhhhhhhh...

(Looks at the broken window, then at the empty space, then at the door, then at the empty space, then at the broken window, then at the empty space)

Whoa!!! I think I just figured something out, Beavis!

BEAVIS

What???

BUTT-HEAD

This sucks.

BEAVIS

Yeah. It REALLY sucks!!!

BUTT-HEAD

This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before. We must find this butthole that took our TV.

BEAVIS

Yeah! Yeah!!! YEAH!

[There's no need to describe it in this transcript, but this is the point in which we see the movie's cinematic, beautifully animated 1970s-themed opening montage]

(Outside. BUTT-HEAD is rummaging through a trashcan and dropping items of garbage onto the sidewalk one-by-one, as BEAVIS looks on)

BUTT-HEAD

Uhhh... it's not in here.

BEAVIS

What are we gonna do, Butt-Head? What if we never find it?

BUTT-HEAD

Settle down, Beavis.

(BUTT-HEAD drops the trashcan lid to the ground and they walk on.)

(Cut to Highland High School)

BEAVIS

Hey, wait a minute - where are we going? I don't wanna go to school! We gotta find our TV!

BUTT-HEAD

Shut up, Beavis - I got an idea.

(Cut to BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD rolling a TV cart down a school hallway. The TV itself is connected by cables to a VCR and camcorder, which are trailing along the floor.)

BEAVIS

Let's just wheel this thing back to the house.

BUTT-HEAD

Yeah...

(As they round the corner, a classroom door opens and MR. VAN DRIESSEN steps out.)

VAN DRIESSEN

Uh, hey, excuse me boys, what's going on here?

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh, someone stole our TV.

BEAVIS

Yeah, we're just gonna use this one. Get out of the way.

(They try to continue, but VAN DRIESSEN blocks them.)

VAN DRIESSEN

I'm afraid that TV belongs to the school, m'kay? You know, this could be a really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.

BUTT-HEAD

He said 'anus'!

BEAVIS

Um... entertain us... anus...

(Starts laughing)

Oh yeah!

VAN DRIESSEN

(Sighs)

Have you guys heard a word I've said?

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh... yeah. 'Anus'.

BEAVIS

Yeah, yeah.

(Starts laughing again)

Yeah, I heard it too.

VAN DRIESSEN

(Sighs again)

Look guys, just take the TV back to the A/V room right now. And try to be a little more open to life experiences, m'kay?

(Goes back into his classroom and shuts the door behind him)

BUTT-HEAD

What a dork.

(Cut to the front entrance of the school, where BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are trying to negotiate the wheeled cart down the steps. They start to lose control of the cart)

BEAVIS

Wait a minute-

(The cart topples)

Noooooo!

(The television tumbles down the steps and lands on the sidewalk, broken)

Ohhh! Aah!

BUTT-HEAD

That was cool!

BEAVIS

No it wasn't!

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh... oh yeah.

(The front door of the school opens and their principal MR. McVICKER looks out)

McVICKER

What's going on out here?

(Sees the broken TV on the ground)

Ohhh no!

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh... that belongs to the school.

BEAVIS

Yeah. It's supposed to be in the A/V room. It wasn't our fault.

McVICKER

Get back here! Beavis and Butt-Head - you're both expelled!!!

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

(Cut to the exterior of TOM ANDERSON'S home, where his camper is parked in his driveway)

BUTT-HEAD

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. I didn't know Anderson had a camper.

BEAVIS

Yeah. Maybe it has a TV.

(They walk around to the door of the camper. It opens, smacking BUTT-HEAD in the face, and they encounter ANDERSON'S wife, MARCIE.)

MARCIE

Oh, hello. Are you boys here to look at the refrigerator?

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh, no.

BEAVIS

We're here to look at the TV.

MARCIE

Oh, Tom didn't tell me it was broken. Go on in.

BUTT-HEAD

Cool.

(They enter the camper. Cut to ANDERSON, who is adjusting something on the back of the camper as MARCIE looks on.)

ANDERSON

Well, that oughtta hold her. You know, the most important thing you can have on a camper is a good butane regulator. And this here's the best one they make.

MARCIE

I sure hope we can get that fridge fixed.

ANDERSON

Now, Marcie, we've been plannin' and savin' up for this trip our whole lives, and we're gonna go come hell or high water -

(Hears a strange sound, stops and looks around)

What in the hell is that?

(Cut to BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD, who are doing their trademark air-guitar as they watch TV inside the camper)

Huh, must be them damn buzzard-hawks.

BEAVIS

(Gets off the sofa and approaches the refrigerator)

Just get something to drink...

(Looks into the refrigerator, oblivious to the fact that water is dripping and there's no light, and pulls out a can of cola. He pulls the tab and takes a swig, then promptly spits it out, spraying the soda all over the TV in the process.)

Aaaaaah!!! This crap is warm!

(Sparks fly out of the back of the TV)

BUTT-HEAD

Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.

BEAVIS

Noo! No! Dammit!

(They exit the camper.)

ANDERSON

Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?

MARCIE

They're here to fix the TV, Tom.

ANDERSON

What? The TV ain't broken!

BUTT-HEAD

Uhh - yeah it is.

BEAVIS

Yeah.

ANDERSON

Hey, wait a minute - you two look kinda familiar. Ain't you them kids that've been whackin' off in my toolshed?

(BUTT-HEAD laughs more enthusiastically than usual.)

BEAVIS

(Biting his lip)

Um...

(Cut to street-view shot of BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD walking through a neighborhood.)

BEAVIS

We still don't have a TV, Butt-Head.

BUTT-HEAD

I know, Beavis.

BEAVIS

Dammit! I can't sleep without a TV!

BUTT-HEAD

Dumbass...

BEAVIS

Ohh... help....

BUTT-HEAD

What's your problem, Beavis?

BEAVIS

I need TV!!! I need TV now!!! Dammit!

BUTT-HEAD

Whoa... TV!

BEAVIS

Yeah, yeah - TV! T-V! Yeah!